Absinthe and Hostess Donettes

Here is what the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency has to say about the importation of Absinthe into the United States:

• The product must be thujone-free (The chemical thujone, present in small quantities, was blamed for its alleged harmful effects.)
• The name "absinthe" can neither be the brand name nor stand alone on the label, and
• The packaging cannot "project images of hallucinogenic, psychotropic or mind-altering effects.

I don't know about the thujones, the bottle was entirely in French.

The name on the bottle was "ABSINTHE".

The bottle was a brushed purple and after my first drink (cut with sparkling wine for some damn reason), I was in a state of consciousness that the great writers of the 19th century must have experienced daily.

Of course, I also had been drinking Corona from a can, Molson Light, Jell-O shots made with Jack Daniels, Root Beer Barrels and Mich Golden Light. But I'm sure it was the ABSINTHE that tipped the scales.

I don't know how they did it back then. An all night bender in pantalones and powdered wigs or whatever the hell they used to wear, followed by a morning that could probably offer no better than toast or something that might cause The Plague.

We live in the 21st century, and as people of the future, we know how to do a Sunday morning breakfast after an ABSINTHE bender.

Hostess Donettes and coffee.

Yes that is how it is spelled. D-O-N-E-T-T-E-S.

We're talking the little chocolate gems that come in a bags of 20 or so.

That bag that hasn't changed in a lifetime. The little plastic and wire clasps that are there to hold the bag shut should you have a greater sense of self-control than I.

The clear viewing window so that you can be sure that there isn't a rat or thumb in the bag you are about to purchase. Not only a deft move from a legal point of view, but also a refreshing changed from having to assume that you won't open a bag of chips filled with human hair.

What? It could happen. And when it does, you will wish there was a viewing window on the bag.

The little bit sized bits of hangover heaven that practically dissolve on contact with a steaming cup of Joe. Pop them like pills. Dunk them like glorious little live savers. Eat them with the joy that can only be brought by an incredibly obese Capitalistic society.

The chocolate-esque flavor reminiscent of childhood. The ingredient cocoa doesn't even appear on the list of ingredients until about the tenth item.

But it doesn't matter. They are bit sized and glorious. So small that you know you could stop whenever you want to, but if you have one more it won't matter.

So have one more.

So have one more.

So have one more.

The gods that created ABSINTHE are not benevolent gods. They are malicious and take joy in seeing the ignorant members of society partake in their fabled beverage as though it will bring some greater understanding of life and the world.

To them I say F*** Y**!

My gods made Hostess Donettes! And that is why I am better than you.