Porcine Testicles.
Don't worry. Life is circular. It will make sense later.
Let me explain, when I first sat down to write this article I had written a deeply introspective and dramatic open that had me delving into what professors in Cultural Studies refer to as a sense of place. It was lovely. Trust me.
Then I ate so much fried food that my sweat was thick and translucent, no doubt packed with delicious transfats.
Besides, this is about the Minnesota State Fair. We need to steps things up and change the way that we look at the traditional. This is a Food Orgy. Get with it.
And much like a real orgy, there is nothing pretty about this. It isn't sexy and streamlined filled with beautiful people sharing in a beautiful thing. This is reality. It is fatty and sweaty and filled with people that are there to fulfill some desire that has been left void since childhood. And when it is over you will feel sticky and a little remorseful. Yet you will do it again, because now you are an Orgy-guy.
Pronto-Pups. Milk shakes. Pork Chops on-a-stick. Corn on the Cob.
Garrison Keller once said that "sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn." Mrs. Keller must be so proud. I'm not sure if Keller hasn't been doing it right, but it is just f***ing corn. The stuff that seems to have a permanent line at the Fair is also just f***ing corn. It is good, but not sex good.
"You didn't get the corn? Oh my god you need to get the corn. The corn is so good. I just love the corn. The corn is so sweet. I get the corn every year."
Yeah, I get corn every year, too. It is about a quarter an ear at the store. I also throw it on a grill and put butter on it. Same f***ing thing.
Let's move on already and dive into the new grease on the block.
Deep Fried Fruit
This was actually the first thing that I had at the Fair this year. I went in with an empty stomach and an open mind. What I got was a kabob of fruit covered in a single coating of batter handed too me looking much like a Pronto Pup. First bite was pineapple. The soft smooth consistency of the fruit complimented by the fatty crunch of the batter. It tasted like a pineapple pie.
The next taste was pear. This was far less suited to deep frying. The sandy, firmer texture of the pear was not complimentary and did not seem to have interacted at all with the frying process.
Next was a cherry. Again, somewhat of a disappointment. Simply a maraschino cherry surrounded by batter. Not much to say there.
Grape. Not great. Even though it has a thin skin, the fruit is too dense to have any combination with the batter.
Then was a banana. Much better. The already soft texture slightly melting from the heat of the oil created a much more pleasing texture that mingled with the batter in ways that the firmer fruit had not.
Finally was strawberry. Though this was a firmer fruit, the flavor and taste was more conducive to the battering and tasted much more like a fruit pie.
Overall it was okay. Nothing special. And if given the choice again, I would have taken the option to select my own fruit. Sticking with strawberry, pineapple and banana.
Deep Fried Pigs Ears
These were interesting to say the least. They were really more like pig ear french fries. In fact, I think that was what they were called. Not to be mistaken with the chocolate covered pigs ears, which seemed to be given out in very small amounts for the same cost ($5).
The pigs ears french fries come out looking much like over cooked french fries. They aren't particularly crunchy. They are a bit chewy, more like a cross between a pork jerky and a french fry. They come with Famous Dave's BBQ Sauce (as it is found at the Famous Dave's Stand), great for dippin'.
These seem more the fare of the Lord-Of-All-Things-Piggy Mr. Anthony Bourdain of No Reservations and Kitchen Confidential fame. However, if you are looking for something new and porky, these are worth a shot.
Deep Fried Cheese and Bacon Mashed Potatoes
You need to find the Potato Man & Sweetie stand just south of The Midway. This is the best of the new food at The Minnesota State Fair. Four deep fried balls of mashed potatoes with bits of bacon and cheese in the middle. Then skewer it on a pointy stick. And well worth the $5.50.
You will be asked what you want for a side. If I remember correctly the options are BBQ sauce, ketchup, sour cream, sweet & sour and gravy. Pick gravy. These are mashed potatoes. PICK GRAVY! I don't care if it is 90 degrees and humid. This is comfort food at it's finest.
It truly makes me wish the State Fair was open in the middle of winter so that this might be enjoyed more completely for the comfort food it is. I might drink less when there was snow on the ground. Of course, I would be morbidly obese. But at least I wouldn't have so many hangovers.
Each bit both tender and crunchy with flecks of joy in the form of bacon and cheese. The only down side being the realization that with each bite there is less left to eat. Eventually it was all gone, and I was sad.
Cubana Torta
Thank God for sandwiches in the middle of a fried food bender. Thank God I can at least have some fried pork on it so that I don't go into full remission. I love Tortas and the idea of some pork, ham, chipotle mayo, jalapeno, avocado, lettuce and tomato sounded too good to pass by. Manny's Torta stand seemed to be the land in an ocean of fryer oil.
I was upset. I didn't want onions (hence my not mentioning them) and when requested a lid was lifted off a heating tray, a pre-wrapped sandwich was passed back to a cook, who looked around like a guilty ventriloquist dummy.
This is just speculation, but I can only imagine that he was only scrapping the onions off and re-wrapping. The sandwich was very good, but very small for $5. Maybe, maybe a 4-5 inch sandwich. A real shame for such a tasty sandwich.
Camel on-a-stick
Found at the Global Market stand in the International Foods bazaar, this one is interesting. Perhaps it was my being naive, but I was expecting something more along the lines of chunks. Instead it was much more like ground beef. Though, it was a little gamy.
The first bite was a bit strange. The consistency and the taste didn't match up to anything previously registered in the black hole that is my palate. It comes with either a spicy or a mild sauce. I chose spicy. The woman ahead of me in line asked how hot the spicy was. Our vendor responded without missing a beat, "I dunno, about 85 degrees."
A smartass after my own heart.
The spicy was a bit tangy at best and help to moisten a meat that seems to be a bit dry by nature. It was an interesting experience.
Bored? Want to enjoy a bit more colorful and diverse venue by which to eat? Make a stop by the International Market. It's not the best thing on a stick, but it is an original for a Minnesota Boy.
Grilled marshmallow, chocolate and banana sandwich
This was the last of the new food I tried and not something that I had planned on trying. That is until I had heard that The Minneapolis Star Tribune had called it the best of the new in 2010 Fair food. A challenge.
The real challenge was finding it by name. Where as many places will go so simple as to name their stand after the food they serve (like Deep Fried Fruit), Moe & Joe's Coffee is primarily a coffee stand.
For $4, it was worth a shot to pack a little bit more on top of a list of food three times as long as what I have already reviewed. I would have preferred it to be deep-fried, however, grilled works.
The marshmallow seemed to be marshmallow fluff. The chocolate seemed to be chocolate syrup. And there were sliced bananas. Throw on a little butter from the griddle and you have yet another food as advertised thanks to it's very name.
F*** the Star Tribune. This is the best of the new food? A sandwich I could make on a hot plate with the s*** I have in my cupboard? Use a real marshmellow. Use some real chocolate. Fry the f***ing thing!
To be fair. None of this is the fault of Moe & Joe's. It is one of three sandwiches on a list of about 20 items. It is just a little something different.
F*** you Star Tribune for going out and telling people to go and try something that was thrown together just for the hell of it all. And to say that is the best of the new foods in 2010? Maybe you need a new monkey to take over your food reviews.
... I need to calm down. I'm food drunk. Pronto Pup. Brownie with whipped cream and fudge. Cheese curds. Deep fried pickles (delicious, by the way and cool in their "blackjack dealer" way of taking money). Garlic fries (with about a pound of minced garlicky deliciousness). Jumbo 1919 Root Beer Float. And of course, the milk shake.
The Gopher Dairy Club has without a doubt the best milk shake in the world, or at least the world that is Minnesota. And please, don't be like the woman in line ahead of me and ask if they serve malts. Just shakes. Glorious shakes that even a lactose intolerant guy like me will endure explosive diarrhea for.
Enjoying each spoonful of the cool, smooth goodness. Walking through the livestock barn, the smell being nothing in comparison to the glory of this Fair staple. The cute little piggies. The bleating little goats. Losing myself somewhere between gastronomic pleasure and the wonder of life.
There it was. Minnesota's biggest pig. 1450 pounds. I marveled at him. The shear mass. The excess of life. A near metaphysical moment.
At that moment my wife (shut the f*** up, I could have a wife) said, "Look at his balls." Huge.
Look at his balls indeed.
Next Blog: Best Breakfast in Minnesota
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