Waking somewhere around the borders of Maple Grove and Osseo, Minnesota I am immediately struck by a sense of disorientation. How did I get here? Why here of all places? Was that former Tampa Bay Buccaneer Super Bowl winning coach Jon Gruden driving the cab last night?
I remember a maniacal Chucky Doll-like sneer in the rear view mirror as I asked over and over again if he would please turn up the volume on the radio because they were "playing my song". Just to be yelled at over and over again that the radio wasn't on.
Had he sunk so low that he was forced to be a hack in suburban Minnesota? Had Mezcal been the best choice to chase down my whiskey shots? I fear that the answer to both of these questions is yes.
In desperate need of sustenance, my options are limited at this God awful time of 10:30am on a Sunday morning. My most immediate and apparent options being McDonalds or Perkins. Not feeling like adding to my stomach pains I pass on the former. Not feeling like dining with people that just minutes earlier were praying for my soul as they teetered tenuously on the edge of the grave, I reject the latter.
There it is, like an oasis (or as close to it as a Minnesotan who has spent less time out of the state than he has mowing the lawn can get), a third option. Just a sign: Lynde's Restaurant & Catering. Semi-full parking lot, no wait. Good sign. I inspect closer. Is that a full bar? Better sign. I dive in.
As I sit down I am reminded of something the bard Oscar Wilde once said, "Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast." So please, bare with me.
My own encounters with the family eatery/greasy spoon being limited to franchise chains and historical landmarks, this place doesn't sound familiar. All the better.
Their breakfast menu is pretty big. About a dozen different options for omelets alone. Pancake stack options and a variety of the more traditional breakfast combinations. My stomach being in no mood for surprises, I opt for the Eggs, Spuds & Porky ($6.95). The following is the transcript from my order with a young male server sporting a jester tattoo on his forearm.
"Get you something to drink? Water? Mich Golden Light?"
Clever, but also possible as for the entire month of September there is a 2 for 1 beer special ALL DAY EVERY DAY.
"Water... coffee... bloody mary, please."
Upon his return with my devilishly red concoction sure to be the hair-of-the-dog-that-bit-me-while-humping-my-leg (which he informed me was with the top shelf/only shelf vodka they had) I ordered. The following conversation occurring in a rapid fire succession.
"Eggs, Spuds & Porky."
"How do you want the eggs?"
"Over medium"
"Hash [browns], fries?"
"Hash."
"Sausage, bacon."
"Sausage."
"Patty or links?"
"Links."
"Zip code? Just kidding."
Not too often you see a young male server in a small family restaurant, let alone one that seems to have a sense of humor. Bonus points. I never expect good service at breakfast. To me, good service at breakfast is just over compensation for something. Like a short man driving an F-150 and parking accross three spaces at Target. F***ers.
The Bloody was spicy. Wonderfully spicy, but not overpowering. By nature, I am not a Bloody Mary kind of guy. The only good use for tomatoes in my mind is ketchup. The only good use for vodka is to drown those damn emotions.
For this, I will definitely make an exception. Spicy and strong. Much needed.
The snifter of beer was not. I cannot help but flash back to 10 hours earlier. There is a large glass Boot involved. Oh God, there are two of them. And I have emptied them both. Nausea follows and is sedated by the presentation of what could be considered too much food for one person.
The portions are huge. A 12-inch oval clay plate, two eggs, cooked perfectly, a massive amount of hash browns covering the remaining portion. So much so that the four triangles of toast have to be set on top of it all instead of on the edge. It would seem that empty space is not wanted here.
Ikebana, the art of Japanese flower arranging, is all about minimalism. The idea that the empty space is just as, if not more, important than the occupied space.
Ikebana is not welcome in this kitchen. I dig it.
Here is how breakfast works: make it good and plentiful. Stick to the basics. Make them good and in large amounts. This is breakfast. Save the fancy stuff for dinner, when the smug of downtown Minneapolis is thick enough to make one think we are in deeper waters of larger food cultures.
I don't need Gruyere cheese in my omelet. Not that I wouldn't eat it, but because it is just too much effort. Good food can stand on its own. The real staples of breakfast in American haven't changed that much in the last 50 years. There is a reason for that.
I look around at the people quietly consuming there food. The single pancake that actually covers the entirety of the plate. The giant fluffy omelet. The Biscuits & Gravy that I seemed to have completely missed on the menu. Damn it. Next time. And there will be a next time.
It's quiet in here. Very quiet. I'm not used to that. I realize that there are moments when there actually seems to be a hush across the restaurant. It wasn't a time of quiet reflection. It was a place filled with happy consumers enjoying their food too much than to prattle on about having to get to Kohl's for the Labor Day specials.
I have to pay and leave or I will stay, watching the flat panel TVs until I have room for lunch. Or until a time that my gut rot goes away and I can take advantage of the 2 for 1s.
Besides, I need to go get my medical alert bracelet changed to say, "If found drunk or unconscious, please bring to Lynde's Restaurant & Catering at 209 County Road 81, Osseo, MN 55369-1544."
Is it really that good? The food sure as f*** is. The service isn't anything special (there were moments when it was a bit slow), but who goes to a restaurant for the service? Probably some prick food critic that is just looking for something to slam.
I have had a lot of breakfasts all over this state and to say one breakfast is the best isn't really possible. It is particularly tough when you are talking about the basics of eggs, sausage, hash browns, pancakes, etc. However, Lynde's has a few things on their side:
- A full bar with great deals and a great Bloody Mary
- A big menu that results in even bigger portions (it took a lot of effort to finish breakfast and I have cleaned off plates at Gastov's with relative ease. Those damn Boots are another matter.)
- Great prices (the most expensive thing was the 8oz Steak & Eggs for $9.95. Three of those pizza sized pancakes are less than $6.)
My feeling is that there is no "best" breakfast in Minnesota. There are just the Elite places that become institutions unto themselves. And Lynde's is definitely one of them. And they did it without nuance, without gimmick and without pretension. High marks across the board and definitely worth the trip.
Now, how the f*** do I get home?
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