What better way to make a triumphant return to the world of amateur-Minnesotan-snarky-food critiques than in the tradition of Homer himself.
Not Simpson. Homer, as in The Iliad. The Odyssey... nothing? I hate you people.
Sing to me of the man, Muse, the man of twists and turns
driven time and again off course, once he had plundered the
hallowed heights of Troy.
Could any man, woman, poet or God have put so perfectly the f***ing drive from the Twin Cities to the Maplelag resort?
Our hero, we shall call him Manicus (like Manic, but Greek, but without the creepy sex stuff like in TV series Spartacus), has found himself lost by the wrath of the Gods in the back woods deep within the foreboding world of Northern Minnesota. Far too close to the North Dakota border to find him comfort.
He travels as such, with companions, in search of glory, honor and, of course, several kegs of cheap domestic beer. His journey will be marred on all sides by vengeful deities, wayward spirits and the most evil, vile and feared of them all: 4 Loko.
Their destination the wedding of Minnesota royalty (okay, they were a couple of dentists, but they make way more money than me so they might as well be royalty), there captain and trailblazer being the great Manicus. A man of such infinite renown that no one else could take on such a mission...
Okay, I was a +1 on the invite, but still, I'll take it over the normal "occupant" mail that I get.
Expectations were non-existant as when one is summoned by royalty, one has no choice but to come. That and the Maplelag website didn't have that man details about what to expect.
His entry into the hidden world within the forests of Native Land was one of wonder and curiosity. Soon met with smiling faces carrying flagons of lager and native dogs would just love a good ear scratch, our hero has found a home that is not his own.
The land itself spotted with cabins and cabooses (yes, the train cars) for lodging. The cabins sport some of the more curious architecture with hidden sleeping areas and trap doors. But this was not Manicus' concern. He was there for food and drink.
He got A LOT of both.
Dinner served promptly at 7pm and family-style. Plates and bowls filled with food were set at each table. Maplelag is a cross-country ski resort in the winter and a summer camp in, well, the summer. As such they are used to feeding people en mass. And as such, they do it quite well.
Dinner on Friday was massive amounts of beef brisket that tasted as though it had been cooked in Merlot. Don't let Paul Giamatti fool you, sometimes merlot is okay, just not to drink.
The meat tender and delicious was accompanied by potatoes, carrots, a mixed green salad and plenty of rolls. It was a simple meal made even better by the massive portions. A splendid way to prepare for excess to come.
Our royalty had provided several kegs of beer and even more bottles of liquor. However, in the distance, the evil 4 Loko stirred and plotted.
Yeah, I heard it killed college kids, but kids today are weak. Right?
Memories fade. Was it witch craft? Was it sleep? Our hero has found himself tossed in the turbulent waters of Poseidon. Okay, it was the 24-hour on site hot tub. But when you are rocking on 4 Loko, I might as well have been dashed against the rocks with mighty Odysseus himself.
Did I make snow angels in my swimsuit? I feel sorry for the snow. Let alone anyone that witnessed me.
The next morning brought much heartache... heart burn... nausea... head aches... I needed coffee and food. Fortunately, I knew there would be plenty of food and the coffee is available 24 hours in the main lodge. Sadly, my stomach was still feeling the God's wrath. And the crepes along with kielbasa fell on deaf stomach.
It would seem that the evil 4 Loko was able to capture the scent of the kielbasa and waft it under my nose every hour or so for the next 6 hours just to remind me who was boss and that he would giveth can sure as f*** take it away.
All bow to the Porcelain God.
Lunch was served buffet style and looked tasty. I have no idea since I couldn't eat a bite of it. But it was a good spread with sandwich fixings and several Swedish dinning options.
I missed cross-country skiing, the Polar Bear plunge and who knows what other joy was to be had in the beautiful northern Minnesota winter's day.
Then the blessed nuptials of the royal couple. It was quite lovely.
That's all you get, this is a food/drinking blog afterall.
Dinner was served once again family style with massive amounts of food/salt needed to replenish that which the Gods and a lack of common sense took away. If I remember, it was rosemary chicken, mixed green salad, red potatoes, more rolls, a delicious serving of wild rice, and finally, cupcakes. Yummy.
The Gods were there as well. Their presence felt on all sides as the good man that would be kind Manicus fought against his oppressors sought to see him suffer further by wafting vodka sodas and Bloody Marys under his nose.
Alas, he is but a man and gave into temptation. The rivers ran green with Scooby Snacks, reddish with Jag Bombs, brown with the vicious Captain Morgan and his minions.
Our good man was lost to the sea. Tossed about in a whirlwind of Chicken Dancing, Electric Slides and Heartbreaker by Mariah Carey.
Just when it would seem that he would never make it out of the turbulent journey that had taken years from him that he would never see again... it was over. He had come through Hades and emerged safe on the other side.
The sun rose as it did every other morning. His eyes opened. His appetite returned.
Rallying his traveling companions, Manicus stepped into the 45 degree heat, the sun shining as if a gift from guilt-stricken Gods.
His stomach full from the what turned out to be a Norwegian Smorgasbord filled with a little bit of everything from brie cheese to egg bake to anchovies and beyond, he filled his might traveling vessel, The Accordius, set his sails to the southeast and departed.
To the Maplelag, the friendly and accommodating staff and all those that had anything to do with a weekend that had started out as a long drive, but ended as a weekend I will never forget (and never fully remember).
Manicus' heart was heavy. Joy for the royal couple. Sadness for not being able to enjoy the spoils of the Maplelag further, he was sure that he would find his way back this way again. If for no other reason that the fact that he could get a fresh-baked cookie 24 hours a day.
I like cookies.
Oh fine... Congratulations Jackie and Brian!
No comments:
Post a Comment