Off of University Avenue in Columbia Heights Minnesota there is a mirage.
From street view, Sarna's Classic Grill seems to be a restaurant not unlike any other. A brick structure with windows. A large patio boasted about on their web page (not sure why due to it's scenic view of University Ave). Decent parking. Nothing to suggest that it is anything other than your typical restaurant, until you order the food. All of the f***ing food your inflated beer guts can handle.
I am no one to talk, for an appetizer, I ordered a pizza. It was a small pizza, but sounded more tempting than the usual fair of wings, fried green beans or other like items. And it only cost $9 (as much or cheaper than most appetizers on the menu).
The pizza in question, Chicken Alfredo, had a good enough description on the menu to warrant a try... let's be honest, it said it had prosciutto on it, I was going to try it one way or another. Garlic white sauce with chicken,
mozzarella, mushrooms, spinach and prosciutto. A good combination, with one minor set back. It was a pizza.
The garlic white sauce was simple and not overpowering, laying a good foundation for the topic. The chicken was grilled and as good as can be expected on a pizza off the conveyor oven. The mushrooms were button, but then again, the pizza was cheap. The spinach existed only in small amount so as to not overwhelm with texture or flavor. The prosciutto was crisp and delicious. Together it was a great combination of flavors. Except that it was a pizza.
Why the f*** do I keep saying that? Because it was such a good combination of flavors, that's why. The crust itself was soft and quite tasty, but the texture and consistency took away from the flavors on top instead of emphasizing them. Had this actually been an appetizer, it would have served much better on a crispy flat-bread.
Minor and nit-picky. I know. I'm a dick.
For the main course I had a harder time deciding. The menu itself is huge. My eye was drawn to the whiskey steak. What could make a slab of beef better than to marinate it in the thing that I some day want to be marinated in?
Wrong, it's not available anymore. Rumor has it that marinating in alcohol can make the meat itself turn colors not too desirable.
My eyes wandered (past the salad, because who the f*** gets salad for a dinner main course) to the pastas, the burgers (they have a Juicy Lucy that I wasn't even going to bother with, I just did an article on the 5-8 and I won't do them the injustice of comparing them to a knock off version), sandwiches...
What's this? Classic comfort food? I like comfort food! I have emotions that I like to quell with large amounts of starches and gravy.
According to the menu the Blue Plate Special is a "local favorite". Who am I to argue with the locals?
"Oven roasted and hand carved turkey served open faced on white bread with mashed potatoes and stuffing covered in our homemade gravy. Served with a side of cranberry sauce $11"
Works for me. I was expecting something to satisfy my appetite. I was not expecting something that would put me into a joyously peaceful food coma.
What was brought out to me had me rethinking my location. It had looked like a normal restaurant from the outside. It had looked like a normal restaurant on the inside. However, somewhere between reality and the place I live, was an Old Country Buffet disguised as a restaurant. And one that actual served good food.
Warning: if you are going to order this meal (or just about any of the entrees from what I could see), bring your appetite. Or at least make sure that you tap into some deep dark memories that you will need to suppress with about half a carved turkey, a pound of mashed, skin on red potatoes and a slathering of gravy.
And it was good. Not great. But the quantity made up for any lack of quality. The turkey was a little dry. Thank God I had all that gravy to moisten it up.
I actually laughed to myself when I remembered that somewhere under this mountain of food was a single piece of white bread, there only to qualify this meal as an open faced sandwich. It's like taking eight shots of whiskey and calling the beer you had at the end a chaser. Technically it is, but it really isn't.
There is a dessert tray as well. A throw back to the times when restaurants knew that the best way to get people to eat a dessert is to shove it in their face.
Sadly, I had to pass. I went there in a good mood. I had to eat fueled only by my own desire and not, as I typically do, by the vague memories of that guy I knew as "Uncle".
Off of University Avenue in Columbia Heights is a mirage. The sign says Sarna's Classic Grill, but don't be fooled. There is nothing classic about the idea of having a really well designed and decorated restaurant with huge portions of great food.
What? I grew up in the 80s. Is that the way food was supposed to be served?
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